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Bondi Media

Royalty 🫅 is Ridiculous

You've heard of peak oil? Well, this is peak royal. Our Mary, some sheila from Tassie, has made it to the Premier League and, in doing so, defied any advice ever that there is no such thing as a ‘princess’. Forget all about liberation, equality, education and independence — forget it!

While there are heaps of princesses around here, generally, you have to leave the Bondi archdiocese for maybe Darlo, Newtown or Slurry Hills in order to find a real Queen. You don't often think of going as far as fucking Denmark! 🇩🇰 But how did we actually get to this glorious state of regal affairs?

Well, turns out, the Danes' chain-smoking Queen Margrethe who ruled longer than anyone in Denmark's 1200-year history, enjoyed sucking a ciggy more than anything — including her grumpy pants partner, husband Henrik ‘The Horrible's’ ballarat. But, all the durries led to ill health so she pulled the pin on a 52 year royal career. And that left her son — some bloke called Frederik (aka Freddy) heir to the throne and monarch in waiting — the new king.

Some cynics have suggested the abdication is actually a strategy to save Freddy's marriage but, like, whatever.

Known for her brains and artistic talents, Margrethe had steered Europe’s oldest monarchy through change in Denmark, Europe and the world. While other so-called ‘royal houses’ fell apart after centuries of incest and excess (and that's just the UK mob), she'd managed to keep her role slightly relevant.

In fact, most Danes still supported her. And she'd showed smarts stripping her entitled grandchildren (from her second son) of their absurd unearned privilege (which they're still ‘hurt’ over) which is fucking hilarious because, originally, she wasn’t even in line to become monarch as the constitution only allowed male succession — her uncle, some bloke called Knud 😂 obviously wasn't up to it — so she got the gig.

danish queen margrethe

Her biggest, perhaps only real, misstep was getting hitched to the afore mentioned French cunt (above, left, behind where he fucking belonged) who grew up in Vietnam, a vainglorious fool. Eventually, he didn’t even want to be buried with his wife and died with dementia and no one fucking cared.

Back to our princess but, after heading out one night in the CBD (perhaps thinking she'd bump a bloke with a big willie or, a bigger wallet, or better still — both) Tassie's own Mary Donaldson bumped that prince Freddy.

Now, two decades later, most Danes still support their royals and Mary's a big reason for that because Freddy's a bit of a dick — like his dad — but she's taken charge and good for her! She seems nice and it's a long way removed from the usual real estate bimbo silliness of going home with some advertising jerk from the Ray White chrissy party and spewing all over him while bouncing up and down on his ballarat — not that we'd ever do that! 🤮

Anyway, Mary's done a lot of progressive work for ‘her’ people too and that's kept the pesky republicans marginalised. She's also converted to lutheranism (whatever the fuck that is). And, she's even done some worthwhile study and can speak the local lingo well. Great …

Her causes appear valid too — the Global Fashion Agenda and considerable humanitarian work etc. She says the right things about inequality despite being a fucking fairytale princess and the utter irony that entails. Overall, she seems a lot brighter than the UK version who liked bonking rugby players but is still revered the world over because she was a fashionista and tragic.

However, tragedy has struck Denmark also as Mary's hairdresser has now abdicated too and this will, probably, keep the UK's princess Catherine of Wales as best dressed and coiffed! Regardless, it's understandable why she's the popular one because Freddy doesn't seem any where near as capable as his wife (who knew!?) and prefers screwing spending time with Mexican socialites.

Anyway, best thing to be said about Danish Freddy seems to be that he's not a fucking god-botherer. But then … Just when you thought it was, overall, better than expected … we find out that Mary's had a fucking tarot card reading weeks before meeting Freddy that foretold she'd meet a ‘wordly man.’

But, OK, if that's the worst thing she ever does (and she does shop in Bondi) it makes her a fucking rock-star next to the autistic self-centred fucksticks from Europe's remaining ‘royal’ fucking houses — most of whom benefitted from the fucking slave trade and colonialism amidst inestimable sex scandals, paedophilia, paternity suits, racism, incest, violence, elephant hunting, money laundering, harassment, looting, Epsteining and dogrootering etc, etc, etc.

And don't get us fucking started on Asian or Middle Eastern cunts claiming to be ‘rightful’ fucking rulers. 😡 😂